A Thousand Lifetimes
by writeallnight
Summary: His relationship is in shambles. His heart doesn't know which way to go. Sometimes you need someone to remind you of what's most important. This time, that someone happens to be his mom. A post Ninguna Salida fic.


A/N: Hey there friends! Another post season 9 fic for ya today. I'm feeling a lot of feelings about it, and I COULD NOT resist letting Mama Deeks in on the fun. This fic includes one of my favorite lines I've ever written and I giggle every time I look at it. Enjoy!

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Deeks sat in the diner fiddling with his coffee cup, his plate still full of a breakfast he didn't want. He'd tried to cancel, but his mother had insisted so here he was, miserable and in pain and trying to keep her from finding out about his dissolving engagement.

They'd returned from Mexico, barely. His ears were still ringing and his ribs would probably never be the same. It was a miracle that they'd escaped at all. But their near-death experience had done little to ease the tension within his household.

Things with Kensi had gone from frigid to awkward at best. He was sleeping on the couch, not because she'd asked him to, but because being together felt too hard right now. They hadn't talked much. They were at an impasse and just going through the motions in a deadened, terrible way that felt like the end.

"All right." Roberta Deeks put down her fork and looked at him expectantly. "Out with it."

"What?"

"I knew when you called and tried to cancel that something was up. That's why I didn't bring Guy. What's wrong?"

Deeks had been wondering where his mother's new arm candy was. He shook his head and forced a smile. "Nothing. I'm great. Things are good."

She glared at him. "Martin, if you think I can't tell when you're lying, you have another thing coming."

"Mama, everything is fine."

"If it's about money, I told you, Guy and I will help pay for the wedding."

"No Mama, it's not about money. I don't even know if there's going to be a wedding." And there it was, slipping off his damn tongue. She was right, he'd never been able to lie to her for long, especially not when she was staring right at him. He gritted his teeth and steeled himself for her reaction.

She stilled. "What are you saying? Did you and Kensi break up?"

Just hearing the words sent a stab of pain through his heart. "No, maybe. I don't know. We're trying to work some things out. It's complicated."

"Complicated? You two love each other. What's complicated about that?"

"There's more to a relationship than love."

She eyed him suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"Me? Why do you assume it was me?!"

"Because Kensi is perfect so whatever happened, you started it and she finished it. What. Did. You. Do?"

"I didn't do anything. We're just…not in the place I thought we were."

She frowned at him. "What does that mean exactly?"

He sighed and fiddled with his cup again. "She doesn't know if she wants kids."

"So what? She didn't know if she wanted you either and that worked out just fine."

"Mama!"

"I'm just saying she's overlooked _a lot_ of your baggage. Don't get all defensive," she said airily.

Well it was nice to know whose side she was on. "It's not just that. There's work stuff and the wedding and it just feels like it's not working right now."

"I thought you two had talked about all of this."

"I thought we had too. And then all of the sudden she doesn't know what she wants anymore and honestly, neither do I."

"Why don't you walk me through what happened."

So Deeks poured out the story, leaving out a few of the finer life-and-death Mexico details. His fears about losing her, how she'd become so angry with him, how it suddenly felt like they were strangers living in the same space all spilled onto the table as his mom listened patiently to every word.

"You asked her to give up her job?" Roberta said in surprise when he was done. "Oh Martin how could you? You know how important it is to her."

He did know. But he also didn't think he could continue waking up next to her every morning wondering if it would be the last time. The terror was slowly crushing him and he didn't know if he could take much more. "I'm just so freaking scared of losing her."

"But you cornered her. Of course she pushed back. You didn't give her any options and she panicked."

"Or I said what I needed and she doesn't want the same thing." He felt raw and exposed talking about his relationship like this. "I don't want to force her into this if she doesn't want it. We both deserve better than that." It was the first time he'd said as much out loud and his heart hurt so much he thought it might just fall out of his chest right there.

"And Julia and I deserve better than these damn stupid cold feet the two of you are having."

This was why he hadn't wanted to talk to his mother. "It's not cold feet. These are big issues Mama."

"You risk your life every day to save total strangers but you're not willing to risk loving her through this?" Roberta asked.

He swallowed and stared down at the table. "I never thought it would be this hard. Loving her has always been so easy. She's just…she's Kensi, you know? Sometimes the logistics were tough, but I always knew how I felt. And I don't feel good about us right now."

"It's not all going to be sunshine and butterflies," she said wisely. "That's where 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health' comes in."

"There are times I wake up and I just can't even breathe because I'm so scared Mama. Maybe the fact that we've had so many disagreements about the wedding is a sign. Maybe it's better to walk away now before either of us get anymore hurt."

"Well that's certainly an option."

Really? All of that and that was the only suggestion she had to offer? He glared at her. "I have to tell you, you're not being a whole lot of help here."

"I'm your mother, not your conscience. You're a big boy now Martin. You have to make these decisions for yourself."

That did not sound like his mother.

"But, let me just tell you something." She looked him dead in the eye. "I have never seen you happier and more at peace than you are with her. What are you going to do without her? Go sit on a beach alone somewhere for the rest of your life? You are so scared of losing her that you're letting her walk away from you. And if you give her up, I'm not sure you'll be able to forgive yourself."

That sounded much more like the Roberta Deeks who'd raised him.

She squeezed his hand. "You can't let fear rule your life. I did that once and it wasn't worth it. You are never going to find someone like Kensi again. She's not once in a lifetime, she's once in a thousand lifetimes."

Her words pierced him to the point that he felt physical pain. In his panic he'd become selfish and desperate. Instead of having the conversation they needed in the privacy of their home, he'd blindsided her, putting his needs ahead of hers without thought. "I think I need to go," he said slowly.

His mother kissed his cheek. "I love you. And Kensi too. Be brave baby."

* * *

He was calling for his partner before he even made it through the front door. "Kensi?"

"Deeks? What's wrong?"

He found her in the living room, concern all over her face, already half risen from where she'd been on the couch. They'd barely spoken in days but there she was, ready to back him up without question. He pulled her to him, kissing her fiercely. When they broke apart he could see confusion and longing in her eyes. "Deeks…"

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was scared and I didn't do this right. I won't force you into anything you're not ready for."

Her fingers twisted into his shirt like she was holding on for dear life. "I don't want to mess everything up," she said. The way she was looking at him it felt as if she was searching his very soul for some kind of reassurance that he wasn't about to pack his bags.

"You won't." He shook his head. "We'll talk about it. We'll work it out."

"What if we can't?"

"We can. We always do." He cupped her face and kissed her again. "I love you. I love you so much Kensi Marie Blye. We've stopped wars and gone through hell for this. I'm not letting it tear us apart. You're my once in a thousand lifetimes, Kens."

"I thought—" her voice quivered with uncertainty, "I thought maybe you didn't want _me_ anymore."

A single tear slipped down her cheek and he felt an agonizing amount of regret for causing her this pain. "I still want you," he said. "I will always want you."

She buried her head in his chest as he stroked her hair. How had he thought he could give this up? His own tears felt close to the surface as he held her tight. He was done letting his fear win.

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A/N: Leave your love in the reviews!


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